A year ago...

A year ago today was the last time I felt Avery move in my belly. 

I was sitting on the couch at night watching a movie and eating chocolate with my Love, when Avery started moving around like she was trying to get out of my body.  I had never seen her move like that before.  Turns out she was having a seizure, as she was leaving this life and passing into the presence of Christ.  The knot in her umbilical cord was tightened to a "true knot," suffocating her.  The knot had likely been there since early in the pregnancy when there is more amniotic fluid and a larger amount movement, as she grew the knot tightened.

Part of the grieving process for me is getting over the 'self guilt.'  I went to the Dr the week before knowing that it didnt feel right when Avery moved, it actually hurt as if something was scraping the inside of my body.  The Dr told me that it was normal to feel different at that point in pregnancy and to tell him if I was feeling that way the following week.  I should have been persistent in asking for a sono to measure the amniotic fluid (but how was I to know?).  Mommies have an instinct to protect their babies and when you feel like you havent done your job, its a tremendously hard thing to deal with.

This is where faith in Christ begins and ends (He is the beginning and end of EVERYTHING in life).   I've had to continually tell myself that God controls the hearts of people (even when they dont know Him).  God had Averys (and Levis) days numbered.  These losses were in His plan, and I as His servant, am willing to take the cup that He has for me.

As I remember the past year, I am encouraged to see how God has used my sweet Avery and Levi for His greater purpose.  He has used their lives to  further His kingdom here, what a great privilege as a Mommy.  I have said this many times and I will say it again:  its the eternal perspective that is important.  It doesnt matter what 'now' says, or what now does not 'have'.  Nothing NOTHING here will last.  The most important thing that we should be wanting for our children is their knowing Jesus Christ.  I have the great gift of knowing that my babies are safe in the arms of Jesus.  They are at their eternity, and I know where that is.  I pray that for my little lovie here too, that he will come to know Christ as his Lord and Master.