Getting real about grief...and pregnancy

Aside from the seemingly never-ending nausea and overwhelming fatigue...the kind where I feel like I'm failing my family because I cant take care of them or show them love like I usually do.  I cant get off the couch and my poor son sits in front of the TV all day because I cant muster anything out of myself.  My husband comes home from work and the house looks like a tornado hit, because all we have done all day is "existed."  PS I dont mind that bc I think every ounce is worth a new baby!

There is a much deeper thing going on....

I have had loss at every point of pregnancy...I've had 6 pregnancies, one live birth (and one in utero =).  I've lost early trimester, mid-trimester, late-trimester.  It feels like there is no point where I will feel "safe" in pregnancy.  Every day I enjoy this pregnancy because I cant expect that I will still have this precious child tomorrow.  Every day, every minute, is a gift.  Not something that is guaranteed, not something that is promised.  God in all His sovereignty is the ONLY one who controls that (and I'm happy with that).  He breathes breath of life into every one of us (whether or not we want to admit that is why we are alive).  He gives us this day.  He gives us these years.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."  James 4:14

I WILL and DO cherish each time my husband whispers his wishes for this babys' life into my stomach, and every time my son kisses my belly to talk to his brother or sister (he thinks its a sister for the record).  It brings tears to my eyes, because only God knows how much I long to bring home a healthy baby.  Forget about the color of the nursery.  Forget about all the cute clothes.   You can even forget about the name...because its not as important to me as holding this precious baby and loving him/her the way that I do Grayden.  I LOVE being a Mom.  Its one of the most wonderful gifts that God has graced me with (aside from salvation and my husband).

I AM sooo thankful to be pregnant again, with each pregnancy comes a new hope, a new prayer...
God has graced me with each of my babies, and I am so thankful.  They are ALL in His perfect timing and perfect will.

Its hard to imagine having a healthy baby (and pregnancy).
I desperately want another baby, not bc it will take from Avery and Levi, but because I long for my empty arms to be filled.

Let me say all those things....but then follow up.  I would MUCH rather be in my shoes (20 times over), than in the shoes of a grieving Mom who has lost her son/daughter and doesnt know the Lord.  Its the eternal perspective that counts.  Hell or Heaven.  Blink of an eye or eternity.  I would much rather have the comfort of knowing that their homes are eternally in Heaven.  I AM THANKFUL that I know where all of my children are, I think that is a greater gift as a parent.
"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. "Selah"" Ps 39:5


A few things that have taken me aback.  I only share so that we can be aware of our words to sensitive Mommas and Daddys :0)

"Whats wrong?  You get pregnant so quickly, just get pregnant again."  ---I can say this now that I'm already pregnant.  Before I was pregnant...that was a very hurtful statement.  It takes away from what Avery and Levi ARE in our lives.  They are 2 of our children, that we will never be able to parent.  Not an ounce of the love is missing toward each of them.  There is NOT A DAY that goes by that I dont imagine Avery teetering around, or what life would be like with her.  Just yesterday as my Hubby and I were holding each of Graydens hands I was daydreaming about Avery being with us, and little Levi in my swollen belly (his DD is not yet here).  Not only that but its not necessarily true, just bc you've had a pregnancy doesnt mean you can get pregnant again.  When we were trying to get pregnant with Avery we tried for 17 months.  Every month was hard when we were longing for a baby.  We loved Avery FAAAR before we ever conceived her.  You are most fertile the first 6 months after either having a baby or a loss...every baby we've conceived after Avery we've gotten pregnant w/in 6 months of loss.  Each of them graced to us by Gods loving hands.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Ps 139

"I cant wait not to be pregnant anymore."  :::insert dagger into a grieving Mommy::: I know pregnancy is uncomfortable, and I've been there and said that too.  However, after losing Avery...my perspective on the 'uncomfortable-ness' of pregnancy is different; and believe me I was SUPER SUPER sick with her (and Levi), the WHOLE pregnancy!  Having lost 2 perfectly (PERFECTLY, as in nothing was wrong with them) healthy babies in 2 short years, I would totally take back that statement.
"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:18

"You can borrow one of my kids."  For real??  I dont think I need to explain that. 

"At least you dont have to go through (insert childhood dilemma) with Avery or Levi."  Yes, its true that I wont have to go through that and I have the absolute COMFORT that Avery and Levi are forever in Heaven.  Their home is eternally secure.  That doesnt mean I dont miss EVERYTHING about them here.

"Its ok this baby will take the pain from your loss away."  While I know I will have joy with this new baby, it WILL NOT take away from the pain of loss with Avery or Levi.  That aside, just as Avery and Levis lives werent promised...I KNOW this one isnt either.  I was attending my daughters funeral the day of my baby shower.

Most of all..... " Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."  Rom 12:15

Ok, forgive if this was jumbled together...I gotta go, not feeling good....