How pregnancy will never be the same for me...

For most families when they find out they are having another baby it is a time is filled with joy and anticipation for the new baby.  For me right now, with this pregnancy...everything I do is intentional.  Partially because I dont want to have any room to think "what if" like I had with Avery.  The other part is because I realize how precious this life inside of me is (and our one little girl, Avery, that we lost).  I'm starting to realize what I wish I would have done differently.  If I had known what would happen, I would have:

• Read more scripture to her to tell Avery about Jesus and that she would get to spend eternity with Him.  
• I would have rubbed my belly more, rocked her more, sang to her more, told her that I loved her more. 
• I would have embraced the little dances that Avery would keep me up doing late at night.
• I would have played that silly little game that she would play in my belly.  She would be on one side of my belly then I would poke her...she would go to the other side of my belly and poke me back. 

I could go on and on.  The dance of joy and grief in my life right now have a fine balance (or scale, sometimes one takes over the other, te hee! =).  But it really is such a precious time for so many reasons.  This is a time for me to rejoice over the life of Avery and how she touched so many and fulfilled her purpose without ever breathing a breath of this air.  A time for me to pray diligently for this child who is growing inside of me now and to do all that I wish I would have done with Avery.  Its a time for my faith to deepen,...for me to trust God that He is the Author and Perfector, the Giver and the Taker.  I have been more honest with him in the past few months than I think I have in my entire life.  I really believe that it honors Him for me to talk to Him about my pain, my fears, and my heartbreak.  God made me, He knows me, I cant hide from Him.  He KNOWS I am weak.  After all, what am I hiding if I'm not honest about the way I feel?  Nothing.



I pray that my life may be a testimony of the Lord.  I also pray that everything I've gone through in this life...that He would be glorified!

Tonight at bedtime--Hubby and I were laying next to Gray and he had the giggles, about EVERYTHING.  We cant help but to start laughing too when we hear sweet giggles from him!  :)

Psalm 61: 1-4

Hear my cry, O God;
       listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
       I call as my heart grows faint;
       lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
       a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever
       and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
       Selah