Dear Confusion, Hurt, Disappointment, Fear, Thankfulness, and whoever else you are:
Confusion- I wish I could see through you. Sometimes you get so foggy that I don’t even know what I’m thinking. Its not my place to ask God why…after all He was, and He is…and its not my place to know. His plans are not mine, praise Him for that!
Hurt- I guess you will be around for a while…but, by the grace of God, I’m learning to deal with you. This tiny little heart that I saw growing in me for 9 months, no longer beats…yet holds so much of who I am. My heart will forever be touched by her little hand. I’m also hurt because sometimes people act like nothing happened…something DID happen! I also feel hurt because of (some) peoples ignorance. Not that I wish they weren’t ignorant in the situation, I just wish they were more understanding. People treat me like my pain is illegitimate. Just because I didn’t know Avery on the outside doesn’t mean that I didn’t know what it was like to carry her. Just because I never had any memories outside of the womb, doesn’t mean that I didn’t (or don’t) have dreams. Do you know what its like to hold your baby who has passed in your arms? Do you know what its like to see those dreams break? Do you know what its like to love someone that you never got to hear cry, laugh, or see smile? Because I do. It hurts. It hurts deeply. Immensely. What you miss when you lose a baby that you didnt “get to know“, is exactly that...you dont know what you are missing. I am in pain BECAUSE I can't continue the earthly relationship I was already developing. But you miss everything that you wish that they could have been. She is no less a part of my family than my 2 ½ year old little Lovie. Have they seriously thought about what it would be like if they lost one of their children? The pain that I feel is earthly, and hey, I'm still human!
Disappointment- I am feeling you because of all my many dreams that were shattered. I miss having more memories to hold onto. Just to name one that is fresh right now…we got Grayden dedicated on Fathers day (which is already a hard day for me), we were waiting to dedicate Grayden until we had Avery. Needless to say everyone else who has just had their babies was dedicating them (eh hem…A LOT!) AND it broke me.
Fear- primarily you are in my life because I’m scared of losing again. But you also linger because I don’t want to tell people how I’m really feeling because I’ll scare them away or because I‘m scared of the criticism I‘ll recieve.
Thankful- I’m so thankful that I KNOW Averys home is FOREVER in Heaven! I’ll see her again, and I know that she is safe until Mommy and Daddy can hold her once again. I know the only reason that her home is secure (and mine) is because of what Christ did on the cross for us. What an amazing love. I am happy for where she is.
So theres my jumbled up letter to the darkness that lingers over me… ;)
::crying:: Oh, Kiley. Though it is painful to read, I appreciate your honesty. Know that you do not grieve alone, even months after Avery's home-going. My heart was also breaking as I stood there with Eden in my arms knowing that two couples down, one of her little friends was missing and didn't need to be dedicated. Why be dedicated to the Lord when you are already WITH Him? I just pray that someday, all of Avery's friends down here will accept Christ and be able to meet Avery one glorious Day.
ReplyDeleteYou are never alone. You will always have a safety net in Christ and in those of us who dearly love you.