Sometimes its hard to write....

because I know that I'll cry...

Well, I guess there's no way to start but to dive right in.  Its been quite a busy few weeks...complete w/ ER runs for our 2 yo son.  I guess I should start there... Grayden was EXTREMELY sick the weekend of June 26th-29th.  He was vomiting, had a rash all over, fever of 103.7, dehydrated from the vomiting, in and out of consciousness.  We ended up taking him to the emergency room where he was admitted and stayed 2 days.  I honestly thought we were going to lose him at one point.  I thought "oh God, please....not again!"  Praise Him, because our little love is still with us!!   When he started feeling a little better, after IV antibiotics, fluid, 10 million tests (his crying MOMMY every time!), etc...I wanted a pick me up...so I took a pregnancy test.  GUESS WHAT?!  It was positive!   I took the test when my husband wasnt home because I didnt know how I would react if it were positive.  I did okay!  I was very surprised because it took us 2 years with Grayden, a year with Avery, and this one was only 4 weeks.  When he got home, I blindfolded him, took him upstairs and showed him the positive test.  He hugged me and said "congratulations!"  That made me laugh ;).  Grayden has been kissing my belly once again (he did it with Avery all the time), and saying "Mommy, theres a new baby in your belly now!"  He often asks where Avery went, though he knows...he doesnt understand why she's not here with us.  He's such a good big brother, he loves her so much....but never even met her.  You wouldnt believe some of the things he says sometimes.

I was thinking about this the weekend after all those happenings... EVERYTHING I have is a gift from God.  NONE of it do I deserve, the least of which would be my salvation.  Let alone my family, our health, our home, the food on our table, OR our friends.  Gods mercy on me brings me to tears EVERY time I think of it (my friends can attest to this:), because I dont deserve any of it.

Sooo.....I've been feeling REALLY tired and nauseous.  Thats pretty much been the gist of my days...gotta love that about pregnancy!  I must say though, children are worth EVERY bit of it (and more, I'd even take 2 more broken feet like I had with Grayden).

Yesterday, I had my first appointment for the new baby.  I'm going to the same office where I went with Avery.  They had such great (and personal) care there that I wouldnt imagine going anywhere else.  I tell them that if I had to drive an hour to get there, I would.  Uhhh....wow that was hard.  I was scared to go into the office and see that the baby wasnt there or that there was something wrong.  I was scared to see the Doctors again, to see the faces that I hadn't seen since the last time I held my sweet Avery.  Its all so bittersweet to me...I miss Avery with everything I possibly can, yet...I am almost certain that this baby wouldnt be here if it weren't for her passing.  Dear God, I miss her (He already knows that though)!  I couldnt possibly have gone to that appointment without my husband, because I needed him.  I cannot tell you in words how terrified I was to go in "that" room where I saw the sonogram of our sweet Avery, perfectly formed curled up in a ball with no heartbeat.  Then how I cried when I saw that this baby has one.... :::get it together Kiley:::  This baby is due Feb 26th, a year to the day before Averys birth and 2 days after Avery passed away.  I'm so thankful yet so torn apart, I dont know that I could fully describe it in words.  I know this pregnancy is going to be filled with many anxieties, probably right up until delivery because Avery was perfectly healthy.  I know this was the Lords will, otherwise it wouldnt have happened.  I know I've said this many times before, but i really mean it; I'm so glad that Avery never has to have bear the pain, sin, physical or emotional ailments of this life!  She went straight to Heaven, what a lucky girl she is!!  Ok, now I have to go upstairs and finish crying because I cant write anymore...  anyway, now you all know how to pray for me.  Sorry that I havent talked to anyone about this, I cant talk about it without crying hysterically.