I went to the outlet mall to get matching shirts for all of us to take a family picture. I dont even look at the baby girls clothes, it hurts too much (THOSE are the clothes that Avery SHOULD be wearing). The boys shirts were navy blue, mine was white. Grayden was super excited about his shirt, he wanted to wear it before we even got out of the store. How precious that little boy is to me!! As I went to the cash register to purchase the shirts, there they were...the baby girls shirt, it looked just like mine only miniature. OUCH! I wanted to get one just to have her in the picture, because she really is...she's in our hearts. Not a day goes by where I dont ache to hold her.
It seems like just yesterday I had Avery, and the nurse so delicately took her to be cleaned and hand her to me. I remember how excited I was to hold this great expectation. I remember how she smelled. I remember feeling her soft skin. I remember sleeping next to and holding her cold body next to mine. I also remember the pain, and I live with it every day. Her tiny little hand will always hold my heart.
To those who havent lost, life goes on....but 3 months is really just a short time. Imagine how tiny a 3 month old baby is, its just a short breath. How very precious life is, its all the more clear to me now. Every day lived is another day lived in the grace of God. I play "ok" with my friends because to them I feel like they've heard it all before. So between us here on cyberspace, I'm just letting you know....
I still hate my arms that are empty of Avery, our precious gift from God.
I still struggle with day to day chores, most of the time they dont even get done.
I still dont cook dinner most of the time.
I still wish I could hold her.
I still wish I could kiss her.
I still have hope.
I still have joy that she is in Heaven with Jesus!
I still love her with everything I can.
My heart....is still broken.
I often wish I could run away from the reality of my life.
Grief is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I am SOO tired of smiling one, then having tears flowing freely down my face seconds later.
My precious little boy calls...going to go love on him <3
Please don't ever "play ok" with me. Love you too much for that. Will listen and listen to the same old words..... and feel priviledged.
ReplyDeleteIt's also strange to me that I can feel absolutely fine for days and then BOOM I'm crying... and my two have been gone for 1.5 years and 1 year now... 3 months is so short and yet SO long when you are grieving. But amen that you are 3 months closer to your Avery now. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Kiley...my heart just breaks for you constantly. I am praying for you and thinking of you today and everyday. Always know you have a listening ear with me if you ever want to talk.
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