Letter to my pain....

Dear Confusion, Hurt, Disappointment, Fear, Thankfulness, and whoever else you are:

Confusion- I wish I could see through you.  Sometimes you get so foggy that I don’t even know what I’m thinking.  Its not my place to ask God why…after all He was, and He is…and its not my place to know.  His plans are not mine, praise Him for that! 

Hurt- I guess you will be around for a while…but, by the grace of God, I’m learning to deal with you.   This tiny little heart that I saw growing in me for 9 months, no longer beats…yet holds so much of who I am.   My heart will forever be touched by her little hand.  I’m also hurt because sometimes people act like nothing happened…something DID happen!  I also feel hurt because of (some) peoples ignorance.  Not that I wish they weren’t ignorant in the situation, I just wish they were more understanding.  People treat me like my pain is illegitimate.  Just because I didn’t know Avery on the outside doesn’t mean that I didn’t know what it was like to carry her.  Just because I never had any memories outside of the womb, doesn’t mean that I didn’t (or don’t) have dreams.  Do you know what its like to hold your baby who has passed in your arms?  Do you know what its like to see those dreams break?  Do you know what its like to love someone that you never got to hear cry, laugh, or see smile?  Because I do.  It hurts.  It hurts deeply.  Immensely.  What you miss when you lose a baby that you didnt “get to know“, is exactly that...you dont know what you are missing.  I am in pain BECAUSE I can't continue the earthly relationship I was already developing.  But you miss everything that you wish that they could have been.  She is no less a part of my family than my 2 ½ year old little Lovie.  Have they seriously thought about what it would be like if they lost one of their children?  The pain that I feel is earthly, and hey, I'm still human!

Disappointment- I am feeling you because of all my many dreams that were shattered.  I miss having more memories to hold onto.   Just to name one that is fresh right now…we got Grayden dedicated on Fathers day (which is already a hard day for me), we were waiting to dedicate Grayden until we had Avery.  Needless to say everyone else who has just had their babies was dedicating them (eh hem…A LOT!) AND it broke me.

Fear- primarily you are in my life because I’m scared of losing again.  But you also linger because I don’t want to tell people how I’m really feeling because I’ll scare them away or because I‘m scared of the criticism I‘ll recieve.

Thankful- I’m so thankful that I KNOW Averys home is FOREVER in Heaven!  I’ll see her again, and I know that she is safe until Mommy and Daddy can hold her once again.  I know the only reason that her home is secure (and mine) is because of what Christ did on the cross for us.  What an amazing love.  I am happy for where she is. 


So theres my jumbled up letter to the darkness that lingers over me… ;)

So today I jumped off a cliff...

Today I went to counseling for the first time since Avery went home.  The only way to get through this is to work through it, as messy as it may be.  Its going to happen one of two ways...either I direct the grief, or it directs me.  I'd like it to be the latter, and it hasnt been lately.  I run from it, then it attacks me when I'm not expecting it.  So....I'm taking this step in memory of Avery, to be a better servant for my family, and to be a better me.  God has always given me what I need to get through things, and I know that this time will be no different.  The class was great...everyone shared their story and fortunately there was plenty of tissues.

So emotionally drained...Goodnight!

The Heroes that live among us....A belated Memorial Day

Credit for photo shop art goes to Kate! :)

Have you stopped to thank a service member lately?  A Marine, an Airman, a Soldier, a Sailor, or a Coastie?   All these hit close to home with me....  The war stories...they are unbelievable.  Worse than your horror movies.  Worse than your imagination.  Worse than you can see in your silly comic books.  Can you imagine seeing your buddy die right in front of you and all you can do is donate blood so they may live 1 more day?  Do you realize what military members (and their families) give up in order to serve their Country which they so proudly protect?

The only thing that keeps them going while they are overseas is their family back home.  Its a terrible place to be, and I'll leave it at that.

The longing for a military wife as she awaits the arrival of her love.  She waits by the phone, mailbox, or computer with GREAT anticipation to hear from her love who is a half a world away.  Never a touch, never a soft kiss, but thankful to hear a voice.  When you get the phone call from an EXHAUSTED voice "hi Honey, I'm ok" the world is a better place.  When they come home, you arent reunited with the same man that left.  Often, they have a wounded soul.  God forbid, they never come home...

The Mother, how she has to be both parents while the Father is away.    Do you know what these families go through to put their lives back together?  Can you imagine telling your child that their parent died in war protecting the freedom we have, and telling them stories because they were to young to remember them?

Can you imagine the emptiness and helplessness a mother feels when she sends her 16 or 17 year old off to boot camp?  She doesnt know if they are going to war, or getting themselves into a world of trouble, or signing their life away.

A child who doesnt remember what their Father/Mother looks like because its been so long since they've seen him/her.  They see all their friends parents in plain sight, yet they dont understand why they dont have their Daddy/Mommy.   All they have to hold is a picture.

Thank a Service Member, because you dont know what they've put on the line for you!  Our great country is what it is because God has placed those men and women there for our protection.  To think...we take it for granted!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SERVED (FAMILIES INCLUDED)...MAY GOD POUR HIS LOVING GRACE OVER YOU!

Prov. 2:6 For the LORD gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

Prov. 8:14 Counsel is mine and sound wisdom; I am understanding, power is mine.
James 1:5 But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
Prov 21:31 The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But victory belongs to the LORD.
Prov 24:6 For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.

We acknowledge, dear Lord, that apart from You we can do nothing.  We pray that you would be with our service members and that you would give them the wisdom they need.  Lord, may you draw them to you.  When they are in fear, may they only turn to you.  For you are the ONLY one who can provide perfect peace.  In His Mighty, Awesome name I pray...the sweet name of Jesus...AMEN

Praise You in the Storm

Father God, its me....I come before you broken.  May all the pieces of this broken life bring glory to your name.  May I ALWAYS praise YOU through the storms in my life....

 

Praise You in the Storm

I was sure by now

That you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say Amen, and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands

For you are who you are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

I wish that nobody had to go through this, but the fact of the matter is that God knows what we need...that doesnt mean we always get what we want.  I've been following peoples blogs who have been through stillbirth.  Many of them are having their subsequent pregnancies and births  Reading about their honesty has been helping me, one because I know I'm not crazy, but 2 because I am scared to be pregnant again and reading about theirs gives me hope.  As hard as life is down here without one of our children, life still continues.  I like the way one of my girlfriends puts it, "with each day that passes, its one day closer to spending eternity in Heaven with our babies!"  AMEN that I know our babies are in Heaven rejoicing!

"God works ALL things for the good of those who love Him" not some....ALL!!!

Now I probably have you questioning us having more babies.  Lets just say we have some praying to do on that one...we would appreciate your praying with us.  There is a lot of fear that goes into subsequent pregnancies, I pray that the Lord would calm the storms inside of us when they should arise. :)

Its been 3 months today since delivery

Today felt like a dream....as I was driving it seemed so unreal. I dont know why, but it just felt like I was watching my life, not living it. It was weird.
I went to the outlet mall to get matching shirts for all of us to take a family picture. I dont even look at the baby girls clothes, it hurts too much (THOSE are the clothes that Avery SHOULD be wearing). The boys shirts were navy blue, mine was white. Grayden was super excited about his shirt, he wanted to wear it before we even got out of the store. How precious that little boy is to me!! As I went to the cash register to purchase the shirts, there they were...the baby girls shirt, it looked just like mine only miniature. OUCH! I wanted to get one just to have her in the picture, because she really is...she's in our hearts. Not a day goes by where I dont ache to hold her.
It seems like just yesterday I had Avery, and the nurse so delicately took her to be cleaned and hand her to me. I remember how excited I was to hold this great expectation. I remember how she smelled. I remember feeling her soft skin. I remember sleeping next to and holding her cold body next to mine. I also remember the pain, and I live with it every day.  Her tiny little hand will always hold my heart.

To those who havent lost, life goes on....but 3 months is really just a short time. Imagine how tiny a 3 month old baby is, its just a short breath. How very precious life is, its all the more clear to me now. Every day lived is another day lived in the grace of God. I play "ok" with my friends because to them I feel like they've heard it all before. So between us here on cyberspace, I'm just letting you know....

I still hate my arms that are empty of Avery, our precious gift from God.
I still struggle with day to day chores, most of the time they dont even get done.
I still dont cook dinner most of the time.
I still wish I could hold her.
I still wish I could kiss her.
I still have hope.
I still have joy that she is in Heaven with Jesus!
I still love her with everything I can.
My heart....is still broken.
I often wish I could run away from the reality of my life.

Grief is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I am SOO tired of smiling one, then having tears flowing freely down my face seconds later.

My precious little boy calls...going to go love on him <3

Majesty...

My approach to fresh emotional pain has always been to take as much of a break as possible to give my mind and my heart rest. To quietly admire the beauty that God has created and allow Him to show me of His majesty. One might ask how much help this attempt to escape emotional pain might be? Since, after taking that "break" from it we always find it is still there, no? I think it gives me perspective and the best place for me to find solace has always been in Gods Creation and in His word. Our family, our children, and our entire lives are on loan. Everything I have is NOT mine, INCLUDING my (our) children. I have found myself hiding down in the beautiful Southern FL, with the comfort of my family....

I look to the sky as the sun hides behind the Gulf beach for the night and think of Avery. I marvel at the Lords paintbrush, and how marvelously He has put all the colors (pink, yellow, orange, blue, & purple) on the canvas in the sky. I wonder if Avery can see the sunset? How amazing it must look from Heaven! I sit down here on the beach with my husband and son in perfect awe. I know that she's with us although its not the same. But we are blessed to have had the gift of her life, and the short memories of carrying her will be with me always. My grief, and how I deal with it is an opportunity to magnify the name of the Lord because people are watching...

Grayden fills my days with so much joy, he gives me the opportunity to be a child again! Here are our activities for the last 2 days that we've been at my Grandparents:
-We went to the beach and built sand castles with our buckets and molds. Then we made "wet castles" (castles made with wet sand running through your hands), it was complete with a lake for his 2 toy boats. We chased fish in the water, stomped on sea foam, and enjoyed time with my grandparents.
-Went to a local restaurant that is traditional in my family, they have the BEST grouper sandwich you ever put your tastebuds on!
-Visited birds on a nearby island...My grandparents held GQ on the fence to get a closer look at the birds. Grayden adored this particular bird named "Peaches." The bird let him pet him and nibbled the salt off his fingers. Whenever Grayden would walk away the bird would hop off his branch, sing a song and look around for him. He kept telling me "Momma, you go to Fred...Dayden tay wit Peaches (translation-Grayden stay with Peaches)!" He wanted peaches all to himself. Fred was another bird there that would dance 'with' us. Everything that you did to dance, he would mimmick. He when you ask "whatcha doing?" he replied "nothin!" He also said "uh-oh" (when he dropped his food), "hello" and "bye."

-We went to a train exhibit and he got to run remote trains (Grayden LOVED that!). It was pretty neat it was a group of retired people who spend all their time building model trains. They had an ENTIRE room set up in the shape of Florida and showed principle things throughout the state. Some of the things were the Tropicana plant, actual trains of every train that runs through FL, Disney, Epcot, Kennedy Space Center, beaches. You wouldnt believe the detail of this exhibit it even had little people and flag-poles! VERY NEAT!
-We went to the carwash for Graydens first carwash. He wasnt too sure about it until we played a game pretending we were the carwash, then he wanted to go through it again! We had sprayers, sponge arms, rinsers, and dryers.
-Yesterday we went to the Naples Zoo walked around and took the boatride where they had "monkey islands." I dont think Grayden took much out of the Zoo except the boatride and pulling his wagon around it. LOL!

Its so precious to me seeing my grandparents loving on Grayden. He is in love with them, and they are just thrilled with him! How very priceless!!!

Here are some scriptures I have found particularly encouraging during my trip. I love Gods word!!! It always speaks to you differently depending on where you are in life.

On children and my responsibility as a parent:
Hebrews 2:13 "And again, I will put my trust in him. And again, Behold I and the children which God hath given me."
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."

What an honor and priveledge we have as parents! Oh Lord, that I may glorify your name all the days of my life! That I might do what you have called me to in the life of my children (and in those around me).

Gods glory in His Creation:
Psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [a]

4 Their voice [b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.


Romans 1:19–20 “Because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse.”

WOW! Is truly all I can say that Psalm speaks my heart!!!

Thats just a short trip into my mind since I've been down here. I'll try to put up more later because there is so much more to write!

Oh...and here is a song that a friend of mine shared with me that I have simply adored since she shared it!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YiULD_Ng8o

March for Babies weekend....

For those of you who know me, you are probably pretty aware that we went to a memorial walk (March of Dimes) for Avery this weekend. We made a weekend out of it and went camping at Assateague Island State Park. It was absolutely amazing to be out in Gods creation without light pollution, the stars were breath-taking!!!

We had a wonderful time camping, as a family we found it quite bonding. We laughed a lot at the little guys "Gray-isms." Every time we would giggle at him he would start laughing too, CUTE! He was a chatter box! At Assateague there is a lot of wild ponies and they are known to kick/bite. Knowing this, we told him not to go near the ponies. Well, every time he saw one he would say "NO NO NO tush (touch) wild ponies", or "naty (nasty) horsies!" The first night the horses slept near our campsite. Gray and I happened to be walking to the shower house when they were still sleeping, when we were coming out we saw them waking. It was very cute! The Mommy horse got up first and stretched (just like how a cat would), then went and nuzzled the Daddy...he woke up and they rubbed noses for a bit. Then the Mom went over and kinda bit the baby in the butt, it jumped up! Then they all stretched together, it was very cute! I don't think I'll ever forget that! We also dug for sand crabs, which was new to both Hubby and Gray.  Gray kept saying "go did (dig) sand wabs (crabs), peeese???" They filled up buckets with sand and water then put the crabs they caught in there. When they dumped them out there must have been at least 30-40 of them!!

The walk itself was nice...long, but nice. I have to admit, it was quite emotional because everyone had survival stories and we were the only ones (that I know of) that had lost their baby. We made a quilt patch in memory of Avery for the March of Dimes quilt that is passed around to different NICU units. Gray drew a picture of her, and above the drawing we wrote "Avery Paige," and below we wrote "Heaven is the only home you'll ever know." Its sweet, we actually ended up bringing it home and made another for the quilt. Its funny to me that every time Gray draws a picture of Avery, she has something over her head that resembles a hat or halo.

Every time we did a devotional, the concentration verse was Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." Funny how that worked out, because we did devotionals out of 3 different books. He truly has been a light for my path through this whole ordeal! One of the devos talked about how its scary not to see beyond the light and not knowing what your coming up to...but that God gives you the light to see the path for where you are. That verse reminds me of what I continually tell people when they are in disbelief of how "well" (ha, sometimes i dont feel well) I'm doing..."God doesn't give you the grace you need until you need it!"

:) Any-who, better get off here and stop dilly-dallying and get some stuff done!