Milestones, Memories, Learning, and Encouragement

These last 2 years have been ones of great struggle for me physically and emotionally.  The Lord has drawn me to Himself in a way that I have never known before.  Many months of these past 2 years I have felt alone and isolated from everyone.  Not a Dr that knows the answer and not a friend who understands.  Nobody expects to lose their babies, and we have lost 3 babies in such a short period of time.  This is a messy thing called grief.  We all have grief in our lives, the Lord orchestrates every trial individually for each one of us.  It is my personal conviction through my study of scripture that He allows these things for us to deepen in our walk in Him, and ultimately bring glory to His name.  What a great calling and responsibility.  I have struggled to cling to the hope I have in Christ at times and wrestled with some serious questions.  The trials have ultimately strengthened my faith and deepened my appreciation for the many blessings that I have (yet I dont deserve).  I dont deserve one--I am a wretched sinner who was accepted by a loving and forgiving God.  Salvation alone is an incomprehensible blessing, but he blesses me so much more richly and abundantly than that (a home, food, water, family, etc).

May we all learn to embrace our trials for God to work our His will in our lives.  
Sept 23 was my due date with Skyler, whom the Lord called home in April.  I am remembering her today and imagining what joy she is now filled with before our Great God and King.  I was praying that Skylers due date would be different than Avery and Levis due dates.  I was praying that I would be holding a 3-4 week old baby in my arms right now (they were going to induce me bc of high risk).  Smelling a newborn....staying up all night long trying to establish a 'routine'....trying to learn the cries of a new baby girl.  As much as I was longing for this, the Lord doesnt have that for us right now.  It will be so nice to feel like I am over this time in my life---maybe---someday? 

Sept 24 marks one year since the day our little Levis body was removed from me in that HORRIBLE abortion office at 18 weeks.  Here are the posts about that September 2010

It brings me great joy to know where our 5 babies are.  Its so hard to believe that we are the parents of 6 children.  Wow...so bittersweet.  I know I say it all the time...but Grayden TRULY is a miracle.  I am so blessed that the Lord sovereignly worked in my body so that Grayden could be carried despite a disease where the chance of survival for a baby is so slim.  Every baby that the Lord chose to place in my womb has been a blessing, just not in a here and now kind of way :0).  Every baby/child is a miracle, let us not forget that for ONE minute!

My medical issues continues to be a struggle, with no certain answers.  All the medical tests for the disease they thought I had came back negative because it is still a newly discovered autoimmune disease that they are learning a LOT about.  There is a team of Drs in England (where the study for APS is focused), who found that patients that have all symptoms of APS but dont currently meet the clinical diagnosis have an elevated number of IgA anti-β2GPI antibody titers in their blood.  Which I have, but I am looking for a Dr who is willing to treat me even though the study and its results aren't yet published in the diagnostic medical manual.  I am in process of transferring to a medical university where there is far more testing.  Please continue to pray with us about that as we search for answers.

For those of you with me searching for a physical need, let us realize that we have a much greater need than a physical...that is a spiritual need to be ALIVE in Christ.  WHEN we deepen our root in Christ, even in the midst of suffering we can have a GREAT joy.  When we are questioning and grappling to find answers from God, let us do so in humility, brokenness, and a desire to please God.  As my dear sweet sister in Christ said yesterday, "I began to understand the sovereign control of God and His gracious Character.  God took me down a road of more personal suffering in order to answer my most pressing questions, that no one could answer."  Yes, she is a very wise woman indeed (and I am blessed to call her my Titus 2 woman!).  Let us seek to be able to say that in our own lives.


So, I leave you with a scripture that has been VERY near and DEAR to my heart since we lost our sweet glory baby, Avery Paige in February of last year.  A brother in Christ shared it with us while visiting us in the hospital as they were inducing labor to deliver our precious little girl.

 1 Corinthians: 50-57
"I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.  Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—  in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.  For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.  When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory?
   Where, O death, is your sting?”
  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
  Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

THANKS BE TO GOD!  HE GIVES US THE VICTORY THROUGH OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.  I cant imagine what grief would be like without the hope of Christ.  REMEMBER: Not a breath of air do we breathe on this Earth without the Lord giving it to us.  Not a death in this world hasnt been sovereignly designed by Him.

Random thoughts....

I LOVE BABIES, I HATE that whenever I see them I cant even go close to them.  Will I ever be able to look at a newborn and not get knots in my stomach or tears in my eyes?  Thank you Lord for the miracle of Grayden!

God knows me and He knows my heart....He orchestrates EVERYTHING in my life.  Let me not be in the way of His working.  There is a purpose in everything, yes, even suffering pain and trial.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Jn 15:5

I am a vessel.  Therefore, He WILL work through me...let me make sure I am keeping my eyes fixed upon Him so that He will get the Glory.  Not my will, but His be done.  I will continue to practice the art of casting my cares and burdens upon Him.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because He (alone) cares for you." 1 Pet 5:7

Worrying does nothing productive, it doesnt change tomorrow....if anything it makes things worse.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Rom 8:18
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Pet 2:21
Psalm 68:19-20 "Praise the Lord, who carries our burdens day after day; He is the God who saves us.  Our God is a God who saves; He is the Lord, our Lord, who rescues us from death.:  69:13 "But as for me, I will pray to you, Lord; answer me, God, at a time you choose.  Answer me because of your great Love, because you keep your promise to save."

Medical situation---still a whole lot of confusion.  : /  Thankful the Lord knows what is going on, even when we dont :).