"There is no footprint too small to leave a mark in this world."
Someone asked me today if I could have had anything different if I would have. My answer is a solid NO!!!! We were blessed with Avery, even if it was only for a few seasons. She has been an answer to prayer in so many ways....in our lives, and in those around us. Avery has caused us to have more faith. She has grown our marriage. She has grown our family. She has taught us to really appreciate all that we have in this life. Most importantly, she has given us an opportunity to witness for Christ, because ears are open now that never have been before. What a beautiful life, a life that never took a breath of air in this world but has touched so many!!!
There is so many moments in this life that we feel like we'll be missing with Avery. We had so many dreams that included Avery...to teach her, for her to teach us, to show her the things that bring us joy, to walk her down the aisle. Avery was in our future dreams and she still is, just in a different way. NOTHING will ever be the same without her because her life has touched us and left a mark that will never leave. It doesnt seem right for a mother or father to look at their baby in a box. However, we know our little Lovebird is dancing in Heaven and how much JOY she has now. Words cannot begin to describe the happiness that brings us! We will one day see her again! The life that Avery lived here was really no life at all...because there is no life before the life we have with Christ! Praise God we have that to look forward to, imagine....eternity in a Heavenly PARADISE!
I'm confused, I dont understand why this has happened to us. What I do know is that God is sovereign, and HE is in control. I want to get over this mountain, to not ache so bad...to not hurt so deep...sometimes it feels like I can't breathe because it hurts so much...it takes time for God to work in us and heal our broken hearts. He has so much for us to learn through the process. We so often hate the process and can't wait for the finish line, but there is beauty in the making. There are so many people praying for us right now, and we can feel the prayers because the peace that surpasses all understanding is surely holding us!
""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."" Jer 29:11-13a
Mother (d.)- The bond that a person develops with his mother can never be severed. You grew as a baby inside her for ten months. She carried you and sustained you, sharing her sustenance with you through your umbilical cord. When you are born the cord is severed. It is never severed in her heart. That bond lasts forever. As we grow up we become our own people and may come to forget that woman who nurtured and loved us. But remember this, she will never forget you and never stop loving you.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
In the shadows of the Almighty
Two months ago, we let her go....it seems so unfair. Yet....is it really? Avery will never know pain. Avery will never know suffering. Avery will never make the choice to sin. She will never know heartache. She will never know sickness. After all, were we not the ones that were blessed with her life?
How can I ask for any more in this life than what Christ has done to bridge the gap between Hell and Heaven for me? My earthly life is nothing in comparison to eternal life with Christ. I feel that Avery was torn from my life, but yet...I still rejoice. She will walk every day on streets of Paradise, until we are one day reunited with her in Heaven. What a special gift from God to celebrate Averys life through our tears.
I call out to God in my darkest hours, when those moments come that I cant even form the words because the grief is so gut-wrenching...Jesus reaches out with His arms wide open. HOPE....He holds me....I can endure more than I could have ever imagined, because it is HE who IS my strength. I am walking in His shadows...and I will forever.
I will miss Avery every day of my life here, I will love her forever. She is in more loving arms than I ever could have been for her here. . . I am happy for HER.
1 Cor 15:50-58
I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed — in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
How can I ask for any more in this life than what Christ has done to bridge the gap between Hell and Heaven for me? My earthly life is nothing in comparison to eternal life with Christ. I feel that Avery was torn from my life, but yet...I still rejoice. She will walk every day on streets of Paradise, until we are one day reunited with her in Heaven. What a special gift from God to celebrate Averys life through our tears.
I call out to God in my darkest hours, when those moments come that I cant even form the words because the grief is so gut-wrenching...Jesus reaches out with His arms wide open. HOPE....He holds me....I can endure more than I could have ever imagined, because it is HE who IS my strength. I am walking in His shadows...and I will forever.
I will miss Avery every day of my life here, I will love her forever. She is in more loving arms than I ever could have been for her here. . . I am happy for HER.
1 Cor 15:50-58
I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed — in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
Friday, April 23, 2010
The World Around Me
This may be the most emotional post that I have written, since this is the first time I have come to the computer in my "down" moment.
Today it was a beautiful day outside, but inside me...my world is still crashing down! I look at everyone else how their lives go on, but mine seems to have come to a crashing halt and all I look at around me is crumbles. I know this is not the reality of what is going on, because I am truly blessed. I feel crushed, my heart actually hurts. I carried a perfectly healthy baby to full term, and instead of holding her and her "burdening" me with waking me in the middle of the night for precious bonding...I stay up at night crying and aching to hold Avery in my arms. To feel the warmth of our little girls body against mine...to smell her newborn breath, to hear her heartbeat. The only time I held our little girl she was cold, she was limp, she was breathless, and lifeless. Yet, she is alive with Christ...I really dont want her to be anywhere else....but, I ache for her here! Everyone elses life is still going, and mine...well its come crashing down.
I know our lives down here will go on, but I feel like I will be in this place forever...where I cant do anything without being pushed over an emotional ledge. Ugh...one day, one day! I want to get pregnant again, then again NO it scares the begeebers out of me!! Holy guac...I need to go to bed. This scripture is my meditation for the night:
PSALM 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He [ALONE] restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
Today it was a beautiful day outside, but inside me...my world is still crashing down! I look at everyone else how their lives go on, but mine seems to have come to a crashing halt and all I look at around me is crumbles. I know this is not the reality of what is going on, because I am truly blessed. I feel crushed, my heart actually hurts. I carried a perfectly healthy baby to full term, and instead of holding her and her "burdening" me with waking me in the middle of the night for precious bonding...I stay up at night crying and aching to hold Avery in my arms. To feel the warmth of our little girls body against mine...to smell her newborn breath, to hear her heartbeat. The only time I held our little girl she was cold, she was limp, she was breathless, and lifeless. Yet, she is alive with Christ...I really dont want her to be anywhere else....but, I ache for her here! Everyone elses life is still going, and mine...well its come crashing down.
I know our lives down here will go on, but I feel like I will be in this place forever...where I cant do anything without being pushed over an emotional ledge. Ugh...one day, one day! I want to get pregnant again, then again NO it scares the begeebers out of me!! Holy guac...I need to go to bed. This scripture is my meditation for the night:
PSALM 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He [ALONE] restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
Monday, April 19, 2010
For Joy and for Tears....
I write this at the end of an extremely emotional day. How can a day hold so much blessing and joy, yet so much pain? How can I be so thankful, yet ache so horribly? Ahhh yes, welcome to my beautiful life!
I am so thankful for a dear friends new baby girl who was born today, what an amazing blessing she is! In fact, I truly am overjoyed for her! Yet, the birth of her Angel brings fourth so much pain for me. Only because her Momma and I talked of our fears of having girls and of our little girls growing together. I am overjoyed for her, but our girls wont grow together because hers is here and mine is in Heaven. It makes me ache for Avery more. I dont want to feel this way, I wish I could walk away from my emotions. I am tired of hurting and it hasn't even been 2 months! However, its ironic to me at the same time that I dont want to let go of how close I feel to God right now. He is carrying me, holding me, comforting me, even as he holds my sweet baby girl in His hands. It is my prayer that after the pain eases a bit that I continue to feel the nearness of God that I feel now.
Avery, do you know that there is a family down here who aches for you??? When I was pregnant with you I wrote: "Can you hear me sing to you at night? Do you feel the depth of our love for you? Do you feel when Grayden hugs and kisses you in my tummy? I have so many things I cant wait to share with you...I love you already my sweet blessing!?" Although I know in this life that we will never share with you what we've dreamed of sharing, we do have eternity! Oh, how I love you my dear, and I SOO cant wait for the day that we can embrace each other! We all miss you, and our lives will NEVER be the same. Daddy and I dont stop thinking of you and Grayden asks about you often, and I often don't know what to say...Oh, Lord, hide me in your shelter...I need to be there!
I also have a dear friend whose heart is breaking, and mine breaks with hers. Although her pain is different, its still grief and loss none-the-less. In fact, if you can believe it...I think her pain may be worse (she says the same thing by the way). I had some good time with her tonight...we ate dinner, walked in the park, and went back to her house. We sat down with a glass of water to share stories, pray, and cry...sometimes it feels good to cry, and sometimes your heart just breaks. I have a lump in my throat that I feel like wont go away for days.
I think in the middle of the raging storm around us, God holds out an invitation to hide our hearts in His. Turmoil brings out the smallness in me; meaning I sense how very not-in-control I really am. It makes me see that I can't fix circumstances, people or even myself. God is the Fixer of all things broken. "...Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings" Psalm 17:8
This scripture seems appropriate for today...
Psalm 139:7-17
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!"
I am so thankful for a dear friends new baby girl who was born today, what an amazing blessing she is! In fact, I truly am overjoyed for her! Yet, the birth of her Angel brings fourth so much pain for me. Only because her Momma and I talked of our fears of having girls and of our little girls growing together. I am overjoyed for her, but our girls wont grow together because hers is here and mine is in Heaven. It makes me ache for Avery more. I dont want to feel this way, I wish I could walk away from my emotions. I am tired of hurting and it hasn't even been 2 months! However, its ironic to me at the same time that I dont want to let go of how close I feel to God right now. He is carrying me, holding me, comforting me, even as he holds my sweet baby girl in His hands. It is my prayer that after the pain eases a bit that I continue to feel the nearness of God that I feel now.
Avery, do you know that there is a family down here who aches for you??? When I was pregnant with you I wrote: "Can you hear me sing to you at night? Do you feel the depth of our love for you? Do you feel when Grayden hugs and kisses you in my tummy? I have so many things I cant wait to share with you...I love you already my sweet blessing!?" Although I know in this life that we will never share with you what we've dreamed of sharing, we do have eternity! Oh, how I love you my dear, and I SOO cant wait for the day that we can embrace each other! We all miss you, and our lives will NEVER be the same. Daddy and I dont stop thinking of you and Grayden asks about you often, and I often don't know what to say...Oh, Lord, hide me in your shelter...I need to be there!
I also have a dear friend whose heart is breaking, and mine breaks with hers. Although her pain is different, its still grief and loss none-the-less. In fact, if you can believe it...I think her pain may be worse (she says the same thing by the way). I had some good time with her tonight...we ate dinner, walked in the park, and went back to her house. We sat down with a glass of water to share stories, pray, and cry...sometimes it feels good to cry, and sometimes your heart just breaks. I have a lump in my throat that I feel like wont go away for days.
I think in the middle of the raging storm around us, God holds out an invitation to hide our hearts in His. Turmoil brings out the smallness in me; meaning I sense how very not-in-control I really am. It makes me see that I can't fix circumstances, people or even myself. God is the Fixer of all things broken. "...Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings" Psalm 17:8
This scripture seems appropriate for today...
Psalm 139:7-17
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!"
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Avery Paige
There is so much going through my mind right now, and I think it might be helpful in grieving to write everything down. That being said, please forgive my scatterbrained thoughts...Lord willing, I will soon have my brain back!
We tried to get pregnant for months and months so when we found out we were pregnant we were SUPER excited!! It was a completely normal pregnancy and feeling Avery move inside my womb was so joyous. I will admit that I got sick, had acid indigestion, and back/leg pain for the better part of the pregnancy, so that had me down and out a lot. But, being a mother of a wonderful 2 year old little boy...I knew that the ailments of pregnancy are SOOO worth the joy of being a Mother (I was in a wheelchair with 2 broken feet with him). Gray would rub my back and say "Momma ok? It be ok Momma" every time I got sick. When I felt tired he would just sit with me on the couch and cuddle with me. We shared with Gray everything about the pregnancy, he cuddled her in my belly daily. When Gray would come to my room in the morning he would jump on the bed kiss my belly and say "mornin Wavrey, I lub you!" Then he would kiss my forehead and say "how doin Momma?" Boy, was he excited to be a big brother!
At 16 weeks we found out we were having a girl...first we were scared, then quickly became elated! We scrambled to find a unique pretty name. Avery was a name that I had heard far before I was pregnant but discounted because I "knew" we wouldnt have a girl! Ha ha! Paige was going to be my name and I've always loved that name. She was a miracle from the get go...many generations back on Hubbys side they never bore girls, all the girls in the family married in! So you can imagine the shock when we found out we were having a girl?! When I would put my hand on my belly she would move away from that part of my belly and poke at the area of where ever I held my hand (aww, a playful little thing!).
We put together Averys room with much frugality and care. Every piece of her room was put together by our family with a generous amount of love!! Gray, would "help" me with Averys room when I was working in it, he was so proud to be a "big brother helper." Hubby patched holes, repainted, took down Grays stuff and hung Averys. I cant possibly count the hours that I spent looking for the perfect nursery, and putting it together.
February 25....may very well be one of the most heart stopping days I've ever had in all my life. I left home feeling like I wanted Hubby to come with me, but at this point in the pregnancy I knew I was super needy. He stayed home to watch Gray. I waited forever to get in to see the Dr, when I finally got in the nurse asked me all the normal questions...then the Doc came in and checked her heart beat. I knew something wasnt right after 2-3 minutes of nothing because she ALWAYS had a strong heartbeat. Rather than saying anything I just held my breath and waited for him to say something. He must have been searching for her heartbeat for 10-15 minutes... The Doctor told me, "I'm afraid we may have some bad news, we need you in the next room for an emergency sonogram." The Doctor left the room and told me to meet him in the next room. Before I left the exam room, I called Hubby to tell him what was going on...he told me "shes ok, shes ok Kiley dont freak." After that I went into the next room to get the sono, and there was my little girl...curled up in a ball perfectly formed and completely lifeless. I started wailing but I didnt take my eyes off her heart, because I felt like any minute this nightmare would be over. Surely this precious life inside of me that I saw moving and lively just a short 3 weeks earlier would start moving before my eyes again. No se. When I talked you couldnt hear a word I said because I was crying so hard, so the Doctor called Hubby and told him he needed to get there right away. He dropped off Gray at the neighbors and was there in less than 25 minutes. The Dr told us that "we have to induce labor tonight or tomorrow." Because of arrangements with Gray I opted for the next day. I had to go to the hospital to get some blood work done to make sure that my coagulants were normal (from what I understand, just to make sure that the baby that passed in me wasnt attacking my system). My Mom flew in that night (I think my Grandma did too, its all fuzzy now) to take care of Gray for us. We lost our Darling Avery Paige to stillbirth at 36 1/2 weeks.
The next day....
We had decided earlier in pregnancy that we werent going to get pictures because they were too expensive. Since we knew what we have so little in this life to remember Avery by, we decided to get pregnancy pictures taken because we wanted to keep as much of her as we could. That was REALLY hard...the photographer said "smile and think about your baby" when I knew that inside me was this precious little angel that I longed for lifeless inside of me. We didnt tell Gray anything because Hubby and I couldnt come to grips with this hard reality ourselves, he hugged my belly and posed for the camera so happily. I remember thinking "I'm not ever going to forget this moment" I know these would be the the last lovies that he ever gave my belly with Avery inside. We went home to drop of Gray and made our way to the hospital.
At the hospital....
When I arrived at the hospital I was greeted with tears by some people in our flock group and our Pastors wife, we prayed and they held Hubby and I crying. My Aunt arrived shortly thereafter to bring me snacks and deliver love. Let the labor induction start. Boy, was that an uncomfortable night, but the nurses and doctors made me as comfortable as they possibly could...the next day I spent walking up and down the halls trying to bring on labor. People were amazed that I was socializing and walking around smiling (apparently most people in this situation dont even leave their rooms). ALL THE GLORY TO GOD because I am not a naturally strong person! All the strength that I had (and have) is from Him. It was a great opportunity to share God with many. Our church family came in all day to check in on me, deliver food, pray with me, cry with me, and do anything we needed them to. It meant so much to us that they were so willing to come love on us. Again, the people at the hospital were floored by the amount of love being shown to us. I explained to them that the love that we share is inhuman, that it is the love of Christ. That night, I shared Christ with everyone who came into my room, after all I couldnt sleep. I knew our little girl was in Heaven, and I knew the only reason that her eternity is secure there is because of what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. My heart broke that night not only because what was going on with me, but I also ached because I cant imagine the pain that God must have felt to see His Son be crucified like He was. IMAGINE....God sent His sinless Son to die for MY sins, Jesus didnt deserve that! Yet, even when Jesus was in that pain he prayed for us, Luke 23:34 "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do". Can you imagine?! Jesus prayed for the very people who were murdering Him! How Gods heart must have ached when He heard Jesus say "Eloi Eloi lema sabachthani?" which is translated, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:34. I am SOOOOOOO thankful for that unfailing and undying love that Jesus had upon the cross so that my little girls' home in eternity is secure! I long to meet her and hold her (and my other babies) when I get there!
I had some friends from church go home and put away all the baby paraphernalia into Averys room and shut the door, because I didnt want to see it just yet. Just to think about the car seat and the room that I knew would never hold my sweet Avery and her coos and cries ached my heart.
February 27....I delivered Avery naturally at 12:03 am. I held her, kissed her, smelled her, napped with her, tried to memorize as much about her as I could. I didnt want to let her go, but I knew that Hubby couldnt bear seeing her with her discolorations (she passed in utero because of a true knot in the umbilical cord and since she was deprived of oxygen she had the appearance of being strangled). So I let her go to the nursery. The staff at the hospital was absolutely amazing, they were so careful with her delicate little body! They sent us home with moldings of her hands and feet set in a darling shell, footprints, hair clippings, a book on the loss of your baby, and the clothes and blankets that she was wrapped in. All those things mean SOOOO much to me! I cant possibly say enough loving things about the nurses that cared for us at the hospital, they genuinely cared. In such a short time, I grew to love them so much! I could tell that Gods hand was orchestrating everyone who was around us and caring for us and our family at that time. I held her to few precious moments that day. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures of her that we will forever cherish, the photographer was so loving and kind!
We went home that afternoon, it was really hard to get into the car without Avery. We got in the car without such an important part of our life that was never meant to be left. I knew that the first time that I would have Avery in our car was going to be in a box, it just didnt seem right! When we got home we went right up to Grays room where he was napping. Hubby and I both were brought to our knees in tears because Avery looked just like our precious little boy. Gray was so happy to have us home! I dont remember much more from that day other than I laid around and my Mom and Grandma lovingly took care of me. Hubby was anxious and didnt stop moving, poor thing. We kept Gray in our room that night in a pack n play. He kept having nightmares so I picked him up (still halfway asleep) and brought him into bed with us. The first thing he did was lift up my shirt to feel my "Avery belly." He sat up straight in bed and said "Momma where Avery?" UGH, my heart broke right there. So I told him that she went on a journey to go be with Jesus that she was a special baby that God called home.
Link to the memorial video for Avery...In loving memory of Avery Paige, I love you baby girl!
We tried to get pregnant for months and months so when we found out we were pregnant we were SUPER excited!! It was a completely normal pregnancy and feeling Avery move inside my womb was so joyous. I will admit that I got sick, had acid indigestion, and back/leg pain for the better part of the pregnancy, so that had me down and out a lot. But, being a mother of a wonderful 2 year old little boy...I knew that the ailments of pregnancy are SOOO worth the joy of being a Mother (I was in a wheelchair with 2 broken feet with him). Gray would rub my back and say "Momma ok? It be ok Momma" every time I got sick. When I felt tired he would just sit with me on the couch and cuddle with me. We shared with Gray everything about the pregnancy, he cuddled her in my belly daily. When Gray would come to my room in the morning he would jump on the bed kiss my belly and say "mornin Wavrey, I lub you!" Then he would kiss my forehead and say "how doin Momma?" Boy, was he excited to be a big brother!
At 16 weeks we found out we were having a girl...first we were scared, then quickly became elated! We scrambled to find a unique pretty name. Avery was a name that I had heard far before I was pregnant but discounted because I "knew" we wouldnt have a girl! Ha ha! Paige was going to be my name and I've always loved that name. She was a miracle from the get go...many generations back on Hubbys side they never bore girls, all the girls in the family married in! So you can imagine the shock when we found out we were having a girl?! When I would put my hand on my belly she would move away from that part of my belly and poke at the area of where ever I held my hand (aww, a playful little thing!).
We put together Averys room with much frugality and care. Every piece of her room was put together by our family with a generous amount of love!! Gray, would "help" me with Averys room when I was working in it, he was so proud to be a "big brother helper." Hubby patched holes, repainted, took down Grays stuff and hung Averys. I cant possibly count the hours that I spent looking for the perfect nursery, and putting it together.
February 25....may very well be one of the most heart stopping days I've ever had in all my life. I left home feeling like I wanted Hubby to come with me, but at this point in the pregnancy I knew I was super needy. He stayed home to watch Gray. I waited forever to get in to see the Dr, when I finally got in the nurse asked me all the normal questions...then the Doc came in and checked her heart beat. I knew something wasnt right after 2-3 minutes of nothing because she ALWAYS had a strong heartbeat. Rather than saying anything I just held my breath and waited for him to say something. He must have been searching for her heartbeat for 10-15 minutes... The Doctor told me, "I'm afraid we may have some bad news, we need you in the next room for an emergency sonogram." The Doctor left the room and told me to meet him in the next room. Before I left the exam room, I called Hubby to tell him what was going on...he told me "shes ok, shes ok Kiley dont freak." After that I went into the next room to get the sono, and there was my little girl...curled up in a ball perfectly formed and completely lifeless. I started wailing but I didnt take my eyes off her heart, because I felt like any minute this nightmare would be over. Surely this precious life inside of me that I saw moving and lively just a short 3 weeks earlier would start moving before my eyes again. No se. When I talked you couldnt hear a word I said because I was crying so hard, so the Doctor called Hubby and told him he needed to get there right away. He dropped off Gray at the neighbors and was there in less than 25 minutes. The Dr told us that "we have to induce labor tonight or tomorrow." Because of arrangements with Gray I opted for the next day. I had to go to the hospital to get some blood work done to make sure that my coagulants were normal (from what I understand, just to make sure that the baby that passed in me wasnt attacking my system). My Mom flew in that night (I think my Grandma did too, its all fuzzy now) to take care of Gray for us. We lost our Darling Avery Paige to stillbirth at 36 1/2 weeks.
The next day....
We had decided earlier in pregnancy that we werent going to get pictures because they were too expensive. Since we knew what we have so little in this life to remember Avery by, we decided to get pregnancy pictures taken because we wanted to keep as much of her as we could. That was REALLY hard...the photographer said "smile and think about your baby" when I knew that inside me was this precious little angel that I longed for lifeless inside of me. We didnt tell Gray anything because Hubby and I couldnt come to grips with this hard reality ourselves, he hugged my belly and posed for the camera so happily. I remember thinking "I'm not ever going to forget this moment" I know these would be the the last lovies that he ever gave my belly with Avery inside. We went home to drop of Gray and made our way to the hospital.
At the hospital....
When I arrived at the hospital I was greeted with tears by some people in our flock group and our Pastors wife, we prayed and they held Hubby and I crying. My Aunt arrived shortly thereafter to bring me snacks and deliver love. Let the labor induction start. Boy, was that an uncomfortable night, but the nurses and doctors made me as comfortable as they possibly could...the next day I spent walking up and down the halls trying to bring on labor. People were amazed that I was socializing and walking around smiling (apparently most people in this situation dont even leave their rooms). ALL THE GLORY TO GOD because I am not a naturally strong person! All the strength that I had (and have) is from Him. It was a great opportunity to share God with many. Our church family came in all day to check in on me, deliver food, pray with me, cry with me, and do anything we needed them to. It meant so much to us that they were so willing to come love on us. Again, the people at the hospital were floored by the amount of love being shown to us. I explained to them that the love that we share is inhuman, that it is the love of Christ. That night, I shared Christ with everyone who came into my room, after all I couldnt sleep. I knew our little girl was in Heaven, and I knew the only reason that her eternity is secure there is because of what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. My heart broke that night not only because what was going on with me, but I also ached because I cant imagine the pain that God must have felt to see His Son be crucified like He was. IMAGINE....God sent His sinless Son to die for MY sins, Jesus didnt deserve that! Yet, even when Jesus was in that pain he prayed for us, Luke 23:34 "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do". Can you imagine?! Jesus prayed for the very people who were murdering Him! How Gods heart must have ached when He heard Jesus say "Eloi Eloi lema sabachthani?" which is translated, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:34. I am SOOOOOOO thankful for that unfailing and undying love that Jesus had upon the cross so that my little girls' home in eternity is secure! I long to meet her and hold her (and my other babies) when I get there!
I had some friends from church go home and put away all the baby paraphernalia into Averys room and shut the door, because I didnt want to see it just yet. Just to think about the car seat and the room that I knew would never hold my sweet Avery and her coos and cries ached my heart.
February 27....I delivered Avery naturally at 12:03 am. I held her, kissed her, smelled her, napped with her, tried to memorize as much about her as I could. I didnt want to let her go, but I knew that Hubby couldnt bear seeing her with her discolorations (she passed in utero because of a true knot in the umbilical cord and since she was deprived of oxygen she had the appearance of being strangled). So I let her go to the nursery. The staff at the hospital was absolutely amazing, they were so careful with her delicate little body! They sent us home with moldings of her hands and feet set in a darling shell, footprints, hair clippings, a book on the loss of your baby, and the clothes and blankets that she was wrapped in. All those things mean SOOOO much to me! I cant possibly say enough loving things about the nurses that cared for us at the hospital, they genuinely cared. In such a short time, I grew to love them so much! I could tell that Gods hand was orchestrating everyone who was around us and caring for us and our family at that time. I held her to few precious moments that day. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures of her that we will forever cherish, the photographer was so loving and kind!
We went home that afternoon, it was really hard to get into the car without Avery. We got in the car without such an important part of our life that was never meant to be left. I knew that the first time that I would have Avery in our car was going to be in a box, it just didnt seem right! When we got home we went right up to Grays room where he was napping. Hubby and I both were brought to our knees in tears because Avery looked just like our precious little boy. Gray was so happy to have us home! I dont remember much more from that day other than I laid around and my Mom and Grandma lovingly took care of me. Hubby was anxious and didnt stop moving, poor thing. We kept Gray in our room that night in a pack n play. He kept having nightmares so I picked him up (still halfway asleep) and brought him into bed with us. The first thing he did was lift up my shirt to feel my "Avery belly." He sat up straight in bed and said "Momma where Avery?" UGH, my heart broke right there. So I told him that she went on a journey to go be with Jesus that she was a special baby that God called home.
Link to the memorial video for Avery...In loving memory of Avery Paige, I love you baby girl!
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