This may be the most emotional post that I have written, since this is the first time I have come to the computer in my "down" moment.
Today it was a beautiful day outside, but inside me...my world is still crashing down! I look at everyone else how their lives go on, but mine seems to have come to a crashing halt and all I look at around me is crumbles. I know this is not the reality of what is going on, because I am truly blessed. I feel crushed, my heart actually hurts. I carried a perfectly healthy baby to full term, and instead of holding her and her "burdening" me with waking me in the middle of the night for precious bonding...I stay up at night crying and aching to hold Avery in my arms. To feel the warmth of our little girls body against mine...to smell her newborn breath, to hear her heartbeat. The only time I held our little girl she was cold, she was limp, she was breathless, and lifeless. Yet, she is alive with Christ...I really dont want her to be anywhere else....but, I ache for her here! Everyone elses life is still going, and mine...well its come crashing down.
I know our lives down here will go on, but I feel like I will be in this place forever...where I cant do anything without being pushed over an emotional ledge. Ugh...one day, one day! I want to get pregnant again, then again NO it scares the begeebers out of me!! Holy guac...I need to go to bed. This scripture is my meditation for the night:
PSALM 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He [ALONE] restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
clinging to God's Word is all that we can do sometimes...
ReplyDeletei think about how Jesus wept when Lazarus died. being God, He knew He would raise Lazarus up again, and surely He knew His friend would live forever in heaven. yet He wept. because grief and the curse (the mercy?) of death exist, and the loss hurts so very, very much. because His glorious creation was so heartrendingly ruined and must suffer so.
lately i have been very angry at God for withholding pregnancy from me - and what right have i to demand this of Almighty Yahweh Whose depths of love cannot be grasped? your brokenheartedness humbles me, Kiley. out of selfishness, i accuse the One Whose blood paid the full price for me. God is merciful to withhold from me that i may be sanctified!
many tears and much love, precious friend.
It's amazing how time marches on when you are so crushed that you can't fathom living one more second. I think that is God's mercy, bringing us ever closer to our missing children, even when we can barely breathe.
ReplyDeletePraying for you tonight and wish I could have been there to give you a hug last night.
Much love, as always.
P.S. I hated for the first few months the passage of time because I felt like it took me farther and farther from my children, but it is easier now to see that I am really getting closer and closer. One day closer to our babies...
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