Things are not as they seem....

Hang on till the end...there is a point to my rambling.  :)

So many of you who have followed our story know how tough its been over these past few years.  The loss of our children, the loss of friends, the loss of my father, and my continuing health obstacle.  I'm just going to be real here, and I hope that you are brave enough to be real with me and others around you too.

So to many...who see us on a day to day basis, think our families lives are perfect.  We are happily married, we have a wonderful little miracle of a boy, and we arent in need of food or shelter.  I would like to share with you some things that we do deal with (and sometimes struggle with) on a day to day basis:

I deal with fatigue and pain on and off and there is no way to know when it will happen.  I think of my husband and how he has concern for me daily when he calls to see how I am...I cant imagine the helplessness of someone who he loves so much and not be able to help her.  He knows that any day his wife could leave this earth because of her blood clotting disorder. 


Most days I feel to weak to do the things that need done around the house.  Its true (contrary to popular belief)--before people come over to my house we all go crazy cleaning before company arrives.  The truth is, as hubby puts it, our house is "lived in".  Its not tidy nor is it perfectly clean 90% of the time.

Our marriage hasnt always been happy.  After my loving husband came back from war there was a very tumultuous time in our marriage.  The "d" word was tossed around way to freely, words were said that shouldn't have been said, and from time to time hands were thrown that had no business leaving our sides.  War changes who people are, I truly think that there isnt enough respect or support for military men and families.  This lasted for about 5 months after he got home.  When we lost Avery there was a very very dark place I was in...I felt like I didnt have my husband to share how I felt bc he was incapable of feeling (from PTSD).  I had just lost our baby and I felt like he didnt care.  I found myself in the bottom of an abyss and I felt there was nobody that threw me a rope or offer me a way out.  Thankfully, I had hope...I knew that she was with Christ.  Truly I tell you my 2 year old son was my biggest support that I had.  He offered me drinks, he fed me, he rubbed my back, and he held my face gave me a kiss and told me I was beautiful.  He got me out of bed (do you see more why he is such a miracle?).  Then when we lost our second baby, Levi....I remember laying on the bed thinking this cant possibly be happening.  Lightning doesnt strike twice does it?  I was so broken that I was numb....I felt like a failure to my husband for being incapable of holding a healthy baby, and to my son because he was so much looking forward to hold the baby that he constantly kissed in my belly.  It was after I had our second loss that I reached out for help from who is now my mentor.  By Gods grace, she helped me deal with the emotions that I had, the fears that I had, and the brokenness that she understood from her own loss.  We went through a book called "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts", by Jerry Bridges.  When we first started reading it I could tell the book was all about Gods sovereignty and I felt like this was a book that I would learn nothing from.  Boy was I wrong, through that study and the Isaiah study I was studying in BSF God showed me how absolutely in control of everything he was.  My life started getting pieced back together and I didnt feel abandoned.  My sweet friend and sister was there at my beck and call...the role she played and the care she took in my life means more than she will ever know.  When we got pregnant again (believe me we werent trying) I was so scared....I lived through the pregnancy trying to enjoy every moment because I know that 'today' might be the last day.  I pushed past the fear and constantly reminded myself how very much in control of my life and the baby inside of me God was.  When we lost Skyler, I truly realized what the peace that surpasses all understanding it.  I dont know how, but I didnt break.  I felt at peace.  My husband didnt, he was feeling everything I was feeling the first time we lost our baby.  The Lord allowed me to encourage him and be his helpmate.  What a beautiful thing that a strand of 3 cords is not easily broken.  Shortly after we lost our last I started having health problems where I was fainting, getting dizzy, having major migraines, along with a slough of other things that I wont share here.  I've fought blood clots almost monthly from driving too far, had a TIA, and felt the chronic fatigue and pain on and off and I didnt know why.  The Lord is in our story and I know that each and every day that our babies are at peace.  I dont think if I could write history I would have written the same story...but I tell you what, its a glorious thing that God is in control and we are not!  I'm here to tell you that our marriage is a COMPLETELY different marriage than it was before.  My husband is truly is my best friend, I look at him and I adore him, I respect him, and I dont know what I would do without him. With God ALL things are possible!

OK....so what was my point of telling you this whole story?  Life sometimes falls down around us.  Death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a unexpected turn in life.  These are things we all deal with, many of us are in that place right now.  However, God has orchestrated it for a reason.  There is nothing...and I mean NOTHING that hasnt been handed to us that hasnt been handed to us by our Creator.  Let us help and encourage the ones we love.  Truly love them and be with them when they are hurting.  If you say you are going to pray for them, really do it.  If you dont understand what they are feeling, try to.  Lastly, if you have an opportunity to serve them..please do, you dont know what it means to find encouragement until you are the one who really needs it. 

If you are that person in a dark place: dont be afraid to ask for help, seek God....He is the ONLY one who can mend our broken hearts.  Christ had his arms stretched out on the cross with you in mind.  He loves you so much that He gave His life.  Would the King of Heaven and Earth do that if you werent worth it?   There was a time in life when I was 'normal' and 'healthy' and I wish I knew then what I know now.  So I pray that by reading this, somehow...you are encouraged.